I’m happy that you’re not reading this

Do you ever feel like you want to do something but can’t find out what that something is? It’s like my body and mind wants motion but I don’t want to start anything. It’s a weird feeling. Anyway, I played video games for way too long today. I’m sick, so I gave myself playing video games as a present but let me tell you: Five and a half hours is too long to be playing. I want to say that it’s because I’m “old”. But it was equally bad both for body and min when I was younger. My physiology could just handle it better. I felt empty after playing for too long when I was younger as well, like I had lost a part of me. I think I’m just better at reflecting about it now. Or maybe I forgot about reflecting about it before. That sentence is a handful. Won’t change it though. When I waste the morning by playing video games the rest of the day becomes a journey to finding productivity again. I should print a sign saying: no video games in the morning. Or late evenings for that matter. Technically I shouldn’t play at all because I don’t derive that much pleasure from it. But I guess from time to time I need to remind myself of that. I should just invest in a sign to hang beside my computer. Sitting down to read after playing video games for that long is just impossible. It’s a small miracle that I’m doing anything productive at all today. Also because I’m sick. I’m gonna dare to go out for a very slow run and see if it worsens my condition or not. With some luck, good food, and rest in general I’ll probably be fine.

I’ve decided to just run with being a genius. To be clear, I’m not a genius. I can tell you that I’m running with it, because you’re not reading this. So here is the deal: I read the study material before every lecture, take notes and all those relatively simple things. Because of this I can ask more complex questions and discuss certain things with the lecturers. People see this as a sign of me being very smart; they will come to me and ask questions and because I read the literature I will know it. Maybe that is what it means to be smart, just reading a bit more. I’ve met people who I consider very smart, and they are just so much smarter than I am. Or maybe they read more than me. I’ve decided to run with being a genius because I feel like it will challenge myself to be better and work harder, hopefully not to an early grave though. I do think I can be better, but I also believe that all other people in my class can be as well. I don’t share my notes because I want someone to coast through the education but because I want to challenge myself to understand the material better and become better at presenting it to others. I hope no one uses is as a crutch to work less hard because it won’t work later.

The question now is: should I keep on writing my novel or leave it mostly be. I just deleted some text because I decided that of course I should write my novel. LOL.

Don’t read this (waste of your time)

I’m back! No that you will know this, but it feels good. Yesterday I did my presentation and as of now I’m waiting for the poster session outside to be over. Then four more presentations and it’s lunch. In the afternoon we have ten more presentations and a poster session to attend but damn. I do not want to do that. I want to go home and do some exercising. One in five presentations are good.

I’m not saying that what the presenters have done over the summer is bad, I’m saying that the way they present it focuses way too much on the method and too little on the implications. One woman did it really well, steering clear of almost all complicated lingo and focusing on what they wanted to do and how it could affect the world.

I’m gonna write about it on my other blog, as well as recommending people to do this course because, in the end it was absolutely worth it. Of course, you have to compare it to something else and for me, the knowledge, both about myself, about the world of science, and my project, was worth more than the money I would have made if I had been working.

I think it revealed sides in myself that would have stayed hidden. Sure I wouldn’t have been sitting still, doing nothing, but this is the kind of experience you just cannot create for yourself.

I’m back after a pause. I realized that I can write quietly using my phone instead of the computer. It’s not as easy but at least it works fine. The fact that I can do it while listening to presentations is also an upside. Maybe I’ll be writing like this more in the future. If I learn to use the swipe function better it can actually be pretty quick. But can I do it with my thumb? Or appears so.

I don’t have a lot more to say right now.

Anyone reading this? No? Good.

I just feel like I need some outlet for things in general. I like writing a lot of things, so I guess this will be where I write whenever I feel like writing things. Again. It’s not like it’s my first time. But I’ve found that my blog about physiotherapy is something I really want to get better at maintaining. I also found that I still have the urge to write other things. It’s not as strong anymore and I don’t think I’ll do anything to share this, but I think it’s a good creative outlet.

Here, I don’t have to think about the length or form of what I write. Here, I write because I want to write and if you have any feedback, good for you. Here, I don’t care. If you find my other blog and has feedback I’ll receive it gladly. Here I’ll be indifferent, no offense to you. Here, is a private space, but somehow I feel like it also needs to be public.

I have this… pull, to publishing what I write. It’s not like writing a journal or dairy, and it’s also not because I want views, because if I wanted it, I would probably share this with others. But I won’t. And so, no one will probably ever see this.

But on the off chance that someone does… Well, it might make for a boring read. I have the tendency to sometimes write very long texts with a lot of deviations. I may also publish a few small snippets of my a novel I’m writing here, for my friends to read in my writing group, as a way for them to give feedback. Will they return here to read anything else? Maybe, and if they choose to, good for them!

As soon as my urge to write appears, it is gone. And I feel like resting and drinking a glass of Pepsi Max while relaxing. Although I think I have things I should probably do. You see, I need to practice a few things for next week when I will meet some other students to practice physiotherapy stuff. I met one of them at an event I was at this weekend. And she casually dropped that I probably didn’t need much practice. I casually didn’t mention that I’d forgotten almost everything from the first term.

It may be a character flaw, but I enjoy looking intelligent and knowledgeable. It’s a risk reward proposition you see.

If you wonder why I’m still writing, it’s because I went to get Pepsi, and when I got back I still felt like writing.

The risks associated with appearing too strong are many. One, is that people expect certain things of you: knowledge, wit, answers. But this is also a benefit. If you feel the pressure of people expecting things of you, you’ll find yourself striving to fulfill that expectation. It may seem as though cracking under that pressure would be bad, but also this can be turned into a good thing.

Cracking under pressure and showing it to the right people, shows that you are human. It reassures those around that you’re like them (which of course you are) while still respecting you for you being able to show weakness. Well this turned into a paper about power. But power is an interesting subject worthy of many pages written, and many discussion had.

I realized that one of the best things about not sharing this, is that I don’t have to do any revision. And that is great, because at any point I may slip up and trust me, it’s fixing that is tedious. A few minutes of reading you say? Well my time is very valuable. Well valuable in the way that I can’t be bothered. If no one is going to read this, that no one might as well include me.

I enrolled in a course about neuroscience and learning this summer. It’s only a five week course with a 1 hour investment ever week. Those things seem so easy when you first set your eyes on them. But it’s that hurdle you need to get over every damn time you start something. When the urge to write is on, I don’t need any willpower to do it. It just happens by itself. What does spending a hour reading through a course, learning knowledge that will help me for the rest of my life have against that? It sounds like a lot when I write it like that, but truly it doesn’t have a single shingle on it.

You know what? I’m going to go get my guitar and play some sweet tunes and write a few lines of lyrics. Here is the song:

Now one knows about me, no one will hear this song
No one will ever find this, and I won’t try to make them come
I can sing, and do whatever I like, No one will stop me and if they try
It will be like hitting a wall, no I just don’t care, I just don’t care at all
I’ve started writing a blog about nothing, what would you expect from that?
I won’t waste precious time on revision, I don’t care if my tone is flat
I can write about, whatever I feel, if you try to change that you’ve got no deal
No matter how you beg or crawl, no I just don’t care, I just don’t care at all

I want butt in here in my own blog and inform you that I recorded the song, and then YouTube did what it does and just stopped processing it and removed it. So that was stupid annoying. How much time do they think I put into these? It’s barely enough that I can be genuinely annoyed because technically being able to this at all is a huge privilege. Anyway, I’ve taken too much time. Damn, this text is over 1000 words long. That’s like 4 pages in a book. If I did this every other night for my novel I’d have authored something good by now.

One last thing: It turned out YouTube was just slow and I could use the original recording so there is that.